A to Z 2014: Big Bertha


Old lady, Old faithful, the Tank. But today I will use her favorite name: Big Bertha.

I got her back in 2007, shiny and new. A friend helped pick her out. She was a star, all the traits you’d ever want, but now, now she is slow, and grumpy and incredibly temperamental. And let’s not talk about when she doesn’t sleep at night. No, naps are never good enough, in fact they often just piss her off more and make the entire situation worse.

The funny thing about her is you would never be able to tell. She looks solid, and no, I am not referring only to her size. She sounds good too– purrs and sighs a lot when she is tired — but you can hear her just fine when you are supposed to. But with her age, and frankly a bit of her size, she get so hot and she cannot stand being alone for more than 45 minutes at a time (and 45 is a stretch, even on her best days).

And I admit it, I have been cheating on her.

Geezus. Get your mind out of the gutter (or rafters) and SETTLE DOWN.  I am not referring to a person or even an animal for Christ’s sake.

I am referring to HER.

2014-04-01 22.42.51

She doesn’t look that bad right?! But she is and has been dying a slow death. But I cannot afford to give her the attention she needs, or if I dare say it, replace her.

She has some great features, her sound quality is phenomenal. She has some fantastic design software bones in her. But it is true, I barely spend time with her. In fact, I am cheating on her right now with a new Chromebook I bought to complete the tasks that, frankly, she just couldn’t boot up for anymore. She is not fast enough for those moments when you need to just look something up really quick. If I am going to start the process of turning her on (oh how it has been so long, she is probably crying herself to sleep at night), it has got to be for a meaningful endeavor. To dig into her history or for her to help me create magnificent art.

Her time is coming soon, but it’s not today. Probably not tomorrow either.

Do you name the inanimate objects in your life? What are some of your favorites and why?

Posted in A to Z Challenge
16 comments on “A to Z 2014: Big Bertha
  1. rebeccatirabassi says:

    Rosie is my Roomba iRobot that so diligently cleans my house when I am not even looking! Even my kids call her Rosie.

    Thanks for writing.


    • kborman says:

      Rosie sounds like a great name for a house cleaner! Love that your kids call her that too, and maybe the tradition will continue on for them some day.

      Thanks for stopping by!

  2. Jak Cryton says:

    Oh Big Bertha. I’ve only used her twice I think, but those two times were an effort. I don’t give her an E for effort, though, but rather an F for frustrating.

    Someday you will be able to replace her (with something that can do more than browse the internet…), and she can finally retire completely. Perhaps in Florida, perhaps in a trash heap. Either way, for now, you need that beautiful art making capability and she is all you’ve got!

    I think my car is the only inanimate object I’ve named.

    Jak at The Cryton Chronicles & Dreams in the Shade of Ink

    • kborman says:

      Ahh yeah, F for Frustrating would be correct. And yes, someday, we will have the most equipped office ever…

      Oh Silver Linings ended up in a trash heap somewhere, and maybe Big Bertha will join Silver Linings someday!

  3. joannesisco says:

    LOL! I have to admit that I tend to give inanimate objects human emotions too. My car is Greta. When I first got her 3 years ago, her name totally eluding me until I realized she was a girl and not a boy. Go figure 🙂

    • kborman says:

      I so suppose having the appropriate gender for our inanimate objects is important. Perhaps when they misbehave, that is part of the problem!

      Thanks for stopping by!

  4. M says:

    Well written! I was thinking it was a car in the beginning 🙂
    Happy A-Z April!

  5. Enjoyed that, thanks. Wow 2007 she’s doing great never got a laptop to last more than 3 years…maybe that’s the art, naming them. 🙂
    Enjoying the A to Z Challenge Maggie@expatbrazil.

  6. You have no idea how much I relate. I go through this with every piece of electronics I replace. I had — have! — my old Macbook for ten years now. It still runs well in the areas that it’s willing to function. But internet activities are just not what it’s into anymore. Then there was my cellphone. It took me years to upgrade. I love the ease of my new phone to embarrassing levels. I get it. The guilt too. Believe me.

    • kborman says:

      I am not alone! My significant other is always telling me that my Chromebook was a band-aid fix and I should have saved that money for a new laptop, but (omg, I haven’t named my Chromebook yet–any suggestions?!) my Chromebook completes the exact tasks that Big Bertha cannot. But I am so, so, so not ready to completely give up on her yet. (Though the fact that her charger’s cord is even starting to fail me, might be a good indication of letting go.)

  7. anneyoungau says:

    There was a World War 1 German railway gun captured by the Australian Army and now at the Australian War Memorial in Canberra. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amiens_Gun It was nicknamed Big Bertha. There were other guns also named Big Bertha http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Big_Bertha_(howitzer) and all of these may have been named for Bertha Krupp, heiress to the Krupp company. Apparently the German army used the nickname first and it was copied by the allies.
    Good luck with letting go of Bertha. It is frustrating that equipment that has been so reliable becomes obsolete.
    Anne blogging at http://ayfamilyhistory.blogspot.com.au

  8. […] finding a cord that works, I immediately fired up Big Bertha to test it out. As Big Bertha was loading (she is old, she takes her good ol’ sweet time), I […]

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