A sense of simplicity and belonging

So I realized it has been a while. I have been busy, planning events and worrying endlessly about my tooth. It is time for one implant. That happens tomorrow. While I look forward to the pain being gone, I worry about how it will go and I worry about this extra expense this is now causing my family.

I feel like this is one of those posts where I will ramble, and more than likely, not make complete sense. My mind is wandering today. Proceed with caution.

When I think back to where I was a year ago, I can see that I have come a long way. I sleep far better than I used to. Gosh darn a traumatic event that triggered an inconsistent sleep schedule! Though talking about it and opening up about it helped so that I could start to trust and mend. Additionally, through talking with a therapist, I  have also identified what triggers my worry and anxiety. There is no easy solution or remedy, but at least now I know when it is happening and can identify why.

Here is a concrete example: At times I find myself avoiding situations simply because I don’t want to or don’t know how to deal with it. Maybe I just don’t trust myself or maybe I don’t trust the other person enough to put myself in that situation. Either way, the ground is uneven, so if I avoid it, I won’t fall between the cracks. Right? Right. (Let’s all live in denial together!)

In the midst of planning for things other than for myself, I have lost track of my passions, again. Yes, I know those are what keep me sane. I really need to paint again. I hope in the coming weeks I can dedicate more time to that.

One thing that weighs on my heart lately is change. And mostly change in relationships. You cannot control how other people change; all you can do is to try to be there regardless. I feel like the past year, I have seen my relationships shift. It is inevitable. People come and people go. Some make me sad, others make sense given the circumstances, and some have grown to a point that simply make me smile. I hope I continue to see more of the latter.

In the past few months, I have decided (or confirmed) I like simplicity.

Simple (adj): not complicated; easy to understand or do; basic or plain without anything extra or unnecessary; Easily understood or done; presenting no difficulty.

While I like to think I am a complex person, deep down, simplicity speaks to my soul. I like a few close friends; I like a stable and simple life; I like minimal stress; I like order.

I have also confirmed that I like to belong; to feel needed and to feel wanted, to have a sense of purpose. But mostly to feel connected to those of whom I have relationships with. It all circles back to my relationships.

Belong (verb): To be in an appropriate situation or environment; to fit into a group naturally; to be a part of something else.

I leave you with this.

“I wanna have friends that I can trust,
that love me for the man I’ve become not the man I was.
I wanna have friends that will let me be
all alone when being alone is all that I need.”

How is life in your neck of the woods? Is there anything you have recently discovered about yourself? Is there something that you continue to struggle with?

Posted in Life, Painting, Passion, Struggles
3 comments on “A sense of simplicity and belonging
  1. Ruthie says:

  2. Jak says:

    I seem to have missed this posting. By now you have come and gone with your oral surgery (what could be done anyhow). I’d have to say I much prefer simplicity as well, but love complex people. I think most people are complex even while they reside within simplicity.

    The sense of belonging is a bit more difficult for me. The newest group of friends I made seemed really into me at the beginning, but as time went on that “new car smell” seemed to fade a bit. It’s probably natural for many groups/people, but I can only speak for myself naturally. There isn’t much one can do to make themselves belong within a group, that is to say make others accept them. It’s best just to be comfortable with yourself, and if others don’t accept: to hell with them.

    Jak at The Cryton Chronicles & Dreams in the Shade of Ink

    • kborman says:

      True, tooth done. I just worry more about the costs involved.

      True, I suppose complexity and simplicity can coexist. Complex personalities within a simple world.

      I don’t think it has anything to do with a new car smell. I think friendships are more often like waves, some slow and steady, and some crash into shore, unexpectedly, but with the right circumstance, come back again. Summer gets busy…I wouldn’t be surprised if you see them come around again when Minnesota weather shifts. I feel like I see some of my friends in different seasons, but without a doubt, when that time of year rolls around, there they are.

      I think we all struggle from time to time with self acceptance. To me, belonging is less a sense of fitting within a group, and more about that sense of family and friendship. I always know its there, just sometimes harder to see.

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