So I realized it has been a while. I have been busy, planning events and worrying endlessly about my tooth. It is time for one implant. That happens tomorrow. While I look forward to the pain being gone, I worry about how it will go and I worry about this extra expense this is now causing my family.
I feel like this is one of those posts where I will ramble, and more than likely, not make complete sense. My mind is wandering today. Proceed with caution.
When I think back to where I was a year ago, I can see that I have come a long way. I sleep far better than I used to. Gosh darn a traumatic event that triggered an inconsistent sleep schedule! Though talking about it and opening up about it helped so that I could start to trust and mend. Additionally, through talking with a therapist, I have also identified what triggers my worry and anxiety. There is no easy solution or remedy, but at least now I know when it is happening and can identify why.
Here is a concrete example: At times I find myself avoiding situations simply because I don’t want to or don’t know how to deal with it. Maybe I just don’t trust myself or maybe I don’t trust the other person enough to put myself in that situation. Either way, the ground is uneven, so if I avoid it, I won’t fall between the cracks. Right? Right. (Let’s all live in denial together!)
In the midst of planning for things other than for myself, I have lost track of my passions, again. Yes, I know those are what keep me sane. I really need to paint again. I hope in the coming weeks I can dedicate more time to that.
One thing that weighs on my heart lately is change. And mostly change in relationships. You cannot control how other people change; all you can do is to try to be there regardless. I feel like the past year, I have seen my relationships shift. It is inevitable. People come and people go. Some make me sad, others make sense given the circumstances, and some have grown to a point that simply make me smile. I hope I continue to see more of the latter.
In the past few months, I have decided (or confirmed) I like simplicity.
Simple (adj): not complicated; easy to understand or do; basic or plain without anything extra or unnecessary; Easily understood or done; presenting no difficulty.
While I like to think I am a complex person, deep down, simplicity speaks to my soul. I like a few close friends; I like a stable and simple life; I like minimal stress; I like order.
I have also confirmed that I like to belong; to feel needed and to feel wanted, to have a sense of purpose. But mostly to feel connected to those of whom I have relationships with. It all circles back to my relationships.
Belong (verb): To be in an appropriate situation or environment; to fit into a group naturally; to be a part of something else.
I leave you with this.
“I wanna have friends that I can trust,
that love me for the man I’ve become not the man I was.
I wanna have friends that will let me be
all alone when being alone is all that I need.”
How is life in your neck of the woods? Is there anything you have recently discovered about yourself? Is there something that you continue to struggle with?