Music always has a funny way of pulling me through situations. And the artist that has been pulling me through yet another plateau is Jaymay. Those struggles of when I open up my heart — and I expose the roots that are entangled inside. The roots that are gritty and bare and messy but real. I am often seen as an open person, but I don’t often expose those roots, let alone the rib cage that keeps it all intact. And then that moment when that person sees the inside and decides that is not what they want after all and shoves your roots back into the concave and leaves you to figure it out. But I guarantee that person walked off with a little piece of me, regardless if they know it or not. They touched me, handled me, and then they walked away.
And in that moment after the shove, I usually fall apart, even just for a little while. I call a close friend in tears. And those friends, well, they know what to do. They carefully pick up each vein, dust it off and gently hand it back to me. They know I will tuck away what’s left correctly, if handed back properly. They know my rib cage will settle back in when I take a deep breath. They know my skin will grow back to protect me. And they know they will talk to me in the morning.
“And it’s not that I hate you
I never loved you enough to hate you
To get even or mad so as not to seem sad
Just seems ungrateful
‘Cause really, I am thankful I’m sad.”
I have had too many of these shoves in my face lately. Some new and fresh, that scrape the surface and some old and deep that repeatedly take, only to decide they do not want all of me. But when I open up, I don’t let you choose what parts you can have. I give all of myself — so if you want it, you need to take it. Not just the roots that apply to you. If you decided you only wanted something superficial, well, after you take, there isn’t really any going back. There are plenty of people who will take all of me as is. Don’t pretend.
I may be bitter, but I don’t hold grudges. I don’t hold hate. I just feel sad that this is the new reality…and I try my best to move on. But, I hate letting people go, because then, they take a piece of me with them.
Thankfully there are always people who cherish what I have to offer. They take me in, in those raw moments of weakness. They reconnect. They distract.
And when all else fails, I have the love of my munchkins (nieces and nephews) to remind me that I can be the coolest person on earth. The person they want to sit next to at the table, or whose house = a vacation. This morning I got the sweetest phone call from my niece Mia. She was watching Rapunzel and a song came on called “Mommy Knows Best.” My sister was singing it and Mia goes.. “No mama, T-Kate knows best because I love her!” That girl can have my heart.
And in the light of little kids who adore me, I told my friend “If I am single forever, well, then at least I have freakin’ adorable munchkins [nieces & nephews] who adore me.” And ain’t that the truth? Also, in the meantime, read this laundry list of who you should marry. Because frankly, it is spot on with the right amounts of humor and mush.
Also, when one door closes, maybe a window opens. It’s almost spring and I am ready for some fresh air.