Every man’s memory is his private literature

I love this quote by Aldous Huxley. Because isn’t it so true? The stories we tell just through experience and memory are often better than any book we can pick up and read. The only tragic difference between a book and memory is that we cannot re-read our memory. It is stuck in our minds to reminisce about, but we can truly never have that same experience ever again. As an avid reader, there is nothing better than being able to pick up my favorite novel and re-read it each year. Every time I find a new favorite scene or discover something new, but nonetheless the feelings I get when I read the book remain the same. The trouble with memory, we can reminisce all we want, but as each day and year that passes those memories become more faint and blurred. We become further removed from the scene, the feelings we felt and the stories we shared.

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Edit:  I stumbled upon this fascinating article today that says:

“The brain, it seems, does not make much of a distinction between reading about an experience and encountering it in real life; in each case, the same neurological regions are stimulated.”

Funny how this ties in remarkably well with my post.

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One of my closest and favorite friends told me that 2012 was going to be an interesting year, full of great change. At the time, I halfheartedly agreed. Perhaps because 2011 was a big year for me, full of great change. How could 2012 be any bigger than that? But as January turned into February and February into March, I slowly began to believe it. And now, as March is half over and I can confirm that 2012 is going to be a big year. March has already been an extraordinary month – record-setting above normal temperatures…several days 80º and sunny. This is unheard of in Minnesota. Normally, March is a month full of slush and wet, dirty snow. Instead, our coats have been put away, skirts and sundresses removed from the bins under our beds, and bare feet emerge in sandals. This has been a beautiful freedom.

Spring stands for renewal, rebirth. We say goodbye to winter and welcome fresh air, green buds and sunny afternoons. Rain washes the sand and salt on our sidewalks and we prepare ourselves for the new year.

Change isn’t going to happen, it is happening right now. We will see if I am ready for it.

Fragility

Today I was reminded just how fragile life is – and how fitting of a reminder as the clock continues to tick down the last day of the year.

Late last night I stumbled upon some very sad yet fragmented news and slowly put pieces of a puzzle together. While everyone around me was celebrating the holidays and preparing for the new year, a very good friend was struggling to find balance – her dad lost his battle to cancer on December 22, just days before Christmas. There was no public announcement, she did not tell any of her friends. It was through reading between the lines on several Facebook posts and reading the comments on her family members’ pages that I was able to find enough information about the funeral today.

At 10:50 a.m. I walked into a Quaker meeting space on Grand Ave where the ceremony was held and was quickly reminded what a great man her dad was… the place was overflowing with people – relatives, friends, acquaintances, old students. I found a spot in the hallway waiting to see if I could catch my friend before the service began. We lived together for two years in college, close friends but like all friendships, life gets busy. There isn’t always the convenience of sharing a living space to see those you care about. We manage to get together every couple of months, usually for some wild adventure or road trip. She is always the first person I call when I have a road trip idea in mind.

I saw her mother pass by a few times, her sisters, her brother. No Lydia. Finally I see her across the hall and she quickly came over to give me one of the longest hugs I have ever had. It was in that moment, when she held me close and told me just how glad she was that I came (knowing she didn’t tell me to be there), and I felt a few sobs escape her tiny frame, that I knew I was at the right place at the right time.  I held her close and told her I wouldn’t miss it for the world, and that I was always there for her, no matter what. She nodded into my sleeve and dried her eyes. It was time for the service.

It was a beautiful service, very fitting for her dad and the family. I was so glad I could be there for my dear friend.

I have already created a wonderful list of goals for 2012 and I plan to accomplish every one of them to the best of my ability. But I am gong to added another right now and I ask each of you to add it to your list as well.

Find ways to be there for those you love. I am reminded today just how important it is — no matter what. Whether it is through a phone call, a meeting, a text, a hug. Be that person that is able to sit next to a friend during a hard time without saying a word. Those are the moments that count.

12 for 2012

As promised, below includes my 12 goals for 2012:

1. Travel abroad.
   (I know I already have a trip planned, but it counts!)
2. Spend at least a couple hours each week on me, i.e. accomplishing something on my list.
   (I don’t consider this cheating, it takes effort to be accomplished and research shows that in order for a habit to become routine is by intentionally incorporating it into your lifestyle.)
3. Complete 3 paintings.
4. Find a new volunteer opportunity that allows me to grow as a person and give more of myself.
5. Run the Torchlight 5k in July.
6. Do some state travel in summer/fall.
7. Compose seven new poems.
8. Learn to cook/grill meats well (steak, lamb, goat, duck — something other than chicken!)
9. Apply to serve on a nonprofit board.
10. Read 10 new books.
11. Save more money and reduce my debt.
12. Make an impact in somebody’s life by having a positive outlook and sharing more smiles and laughs together.

My thought this year was variety, identifying both easy and hard goals from a wide range. I have realized the goals I failed to complete in the past were goals that were too vague without any clear way to measure success. Additionally, I hope the variety helps when I get in stuck in another.

What goals would you like to accomplish this year?

Beauty exists in sky and steel

This year we had a wonderful fall, full of the rich colors I love. Deep reds and oranges. Subtle yellows and browns. Days full of crisp mornings, warm afternoons and windy evenings. I am so glad Minnesota got a full fall this year.

Two weekends ago brought a blanket of snow to our lawns and sidewalks. I had the pleasure of walking during the snow as it fell from the sky. Small flurries turned into large snowflakes. I was able to enjoy the sparkly beauty before car tires turned it into gray slush.

Mid-December has been gray, foggy skies with above normal temps! I will never complain about having 30+ degrees in December.

This year I am trying my best to welcome the changing seasons. I am even a little excited.

I will always in awe of nature, God’s most perfect work — how everything works together. However, every time I transport myself via 35W North, I am awestruck at the beautiful Minneapolis skyline.

Someone recently asked me what I like to paint  (and oh how I miss it) – and I love to combine the natural with the man-made. God creates change every day: in life and in death, changes in weather and seasons. But it is important to remember that WE create change as well. Change is important to life, but more importantly, HOW we react to change determines the beauty we see.

And so, with the seasons changing, it is that time of year again when I reflect on the year past and start planning for the next. What would I like to have accomplished by this time next year? When I look back at my goals from last year, I get a heavy heart. Not because I didn’t complete most of the list, but because of how much my life has changed since creating it. Priorities are different now but I am enjoying life as it happens. Today I share my top learned lessons from 2011 – perhaps they will help someone else.

Lessons I learned in 2011:

1. I do not know all the answers.
2. Appreciate loved ones  – family, friends, significant others – and tell them so. I have lost relationships because we took each other for granted. But I have also rebuilt old friendships and now cannot imagine life without them. I need to remind myself to do more of the latter.
3. Take the time to re-prioritize when situations change.
4. Do not settle for less than you deserve. Only you know what it right for you, regardless of the situation.
5. Take the time to form your own beliefs and stand behind them. God created us with free will to make decisions for ourselves. If the shoe fits, wear it. But if it doesn’t, stop wasting time pretending that it does.
6. Celebrate life. Dwell less on mistakes and celebrate the joys in life.
7. Accept that everything happens for a reason, and sometimes relationships change with the seasons. Perhaps someday paths will cross again.

I have some thinking to do over the next couple of weeks. Lucky for me, with each new year, there is another addition. 12 goals for 2012… stay tuned!

Life in transitions

Life is always changing – we grow up, we grow together, we grow apart. Just when you think life is taking you on the course you planned, circumstances change. Life happens.

To many I have fallen off the face of the earth for the past month, including to some family members. For others, they have seen me in my weakest moments and have pulled me through every day. Many have tried to be there and honestly I just haven’t been ready. I feel like life is moving 80 mph and unless you are in the car with me, we are not making any pit stops. Either you are with me and know every exhausting detail, or you are driving alongside and can put the pieces together, or you are on the side of the road as I pass by. Don’t take it personally. I am just as exhausted behind the wheel.

I don’t know where I stand on many things these days – all I know is I need to focus on the changes happening. I needed a new start, an open door, and many shed light to me. I opened to their light, took a step in that direction and haven’t turned back to even close the door.

I hope in the midst of many of these changes, I will rekindle parts of myself I have missed. I hope to read more, enrich my life with art, and take more “me” time. There may be an inclusion of behaviors that many have not seen from me in a while or I may appear different. I am still me, just a person in transition. So despite where you have been on the road, know it is not permanent. Eventually I will need to slow down.

Sometimes song lyrics are exactly what you need.

Bed of Lies – Matchbox 20

No I would not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
And there’ll be no rest for these tired eyes
I’m marking it down to learning
I am

Don’t think that I can take another empty moment
Don’t think that I can fake another hollow smile
It’s not enough just to be lonely
Don’t think that I could take another talk about it

Just like me you got needs
And they’re only a whisper away
And we softly surrender
To these lives that we’ve tendered away

No I would not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
And there’ll be no rest for these tired eyes
I’m marking it down to learning
I’m marking it down to learning
Because I can

Don’t wanna be the one who turns the whole thing over
Don’t wanna be somewhere where I just don’t belong
Where it’s not enough just be sorry

Don’t you know I feel the darkness closing in
Tried to be more than me
And I gave till it all went away
And we’ve only surrendered
To the worst part of these winters we’ve made

No I would not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
And there’ll be no rest for these tired eyes
I’m marking it down to learning
I am

I am all that I’ll ever be
When you – lay your hands
Over me but don’t go weak on me now
I know that it’s weak
But God help me I need this

I will not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
And there’ll be no rest for these tired eyes
I’m marking it down to learning
I’m marking it down to learning
‘Cause I am

Duality of emotions

While the death of Osama bin Laden brings huge relief, there are legit reasons for alerts and concerns. I fear destructive reprecussions from over celebrating such victory. I also worry about reactions and divisions that will emerge because of this news — that may put many innocent lives at risk. I have seen several quotes and updates posted on my social networks. Some  – great and legendary speakers, religious figures — and some are from my friends. These updates help describe the duality of emotions this news brings not only for Americans, but on a much more individual level. In every death there is a responsibility – and I ask you to read the quotes and ponder YOUR responsibility and what action you decide to make on the breath of this event.

“I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that” Martin Luther King, Jr.

“I have never wished a man dead, but I have read a recent obituary with great pleasure.” – Mark Twain

“10 years, 2 wars, 919,967 deaths, and $1,188,263,000,000 later, we managed to kill one person. (Next time START w/ the Seals 1st)” – Michael Moore on Twitter

“When all people in my country are able to live with dignity and others don’t suffer to ensure our luxuries, then I’ll paint my face and celebrate with you. Until then, I’m smiling through tears.” – Brother Ali

“The killing of Osama Bin Laden brings a measure of justice for the families of all those lost to his senseless terrorism, including Tom Burnett’s family in Minnesota. Our prayers and gratitude are with the brave members of our Armed Forces and intelligence agencies who tracked Bin Laden down and brought him to justice, and who will continue to work day in and day out to keep America safe.” – Senator Amy Klobuchar

“I’m not happy to celebrate the death of anyone. This is not going to make the world a better place. This was only vengeance. This is only going to perpetuate a cycle of violence.” – Kristen Jones

“Do not say, that if the people do good to us, we will do good to them; and if the people oppress us, we will oppress them; but determine that if people do you good, you will do good to them; and if they oppress you, you will NOT oppress them.” – Prophet Mohammed (Peace & Blessings be upon him)

“Those who spend freely;
Whether in prosperity,
Or in adversity;
Who restrain anger,
And pardon all men–
For Allah loves those who do good.” (Surrah 3:134)

So please, take a moment and decide how you are going to act. How will this event change your life, or perhaps change the way you think about things. All I ask is to not let one event create more divisions, more racism, more hate. We have come to far to let the grain slip between our fingers.